A friend called me today and asked me to pray for her right at that moment. She is looking for a house and it’s a big decision for her and she wanted to be in God’s will. I stopped what I was doing and we went to God, thanking Him for the opportunity to seek His will in our daily lives with the assurance He will answer. I asked Him to open her eyes and heart to hear Him clearly and to make it plain for her if the house she was about to view was what He wanted for her and to give her peace if it wasn’t. We ended the prayer thanking God in advance for His guidance and she said she felt more than ready to view the house and had full faith that she would get the answer she needed. I felt blessed to be a blessing to her and we ended the call with her promising to call me back with an update.
What’s interesting about this moment is that right before she called me I was spiraling in my own despair. For awhile now I’ve been tossed back and forth by my own indecisiveness. I have over analysed every minute detail of my life until I’m emotionally and mentally paralyzed. I can’t even pray for myself the way I prayed for her and have prayed for others because I am so unsure of everything. The truth is after some major disappointments, where I thought God had something or someone for me and it didn’t happen, I can’t make myself pray for or even believe that the things I’m secretly hoping for are going to work out for my actual good. My faith is diminished to the point I don’t want to ask God for anything more than the what He’s already doing. It’s not that I don’t think He can do it, it’s just that so much time has passed I don’t know if He will.
But, when someone else asks me to pray for them or tells me they’re struggling, in the same way, without hesitation I can tell them to trust God for whatever it is and believe that even if doesn’t work out how they want it will ultimately be for the best- and I sincerely believe this- for them.
But, today something broke. After I got off the phone with my friend I immediately felt convicted. I played a song called Silence by Anthony Evans and the second verse really got me:
My frail soul’s guarded.
When did I start not believing that you,
that you are who you promised
and you’re faithful to do what you said you would do?
That’s exactly what happened. At some point I became so fixated on what I wanted and believing that because I had prayed and it seemed good to me (shaking my head) it had to be God’s will. When it proved not to be I was so devastated I didn’t want to hope or believe God for anything until it was right in front of me -but that isn’t faith. Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1), and it’s impossible to please God without it (Hebrews 11:6). So, I admittedly was in dire straits.
I am so grateful that God never leaves me nor forsakes me in spite of myself. Another friend shared a sermon with me called “Let the Dirt Do It’s Work” by pastor Steven Furtick of Elevation church. D.I.R.T. ( disappointments, insecurities, rejection, and troubles), he explained was necessary for a seed ( the Word of God and purpose He put in us) to grow to it’s full potential, and us seeing how it’s going to happen is not necessary for it to happen.
Sobbing, I realized this was my complete downfall. Instead of being thankful for the D.I.R.T. in my life and trusting that it would all work together for my good, (Romans 8:28), I fervently tried to figure out how. How to avoid it, how to make it go away faster, how to never get D.I.R.T.y again. This was a fruitless endeavor to say the least and it left me debilitated and shrinking daily from the plan that God promised He has for my life (Jeremiah 29:11).
By the end of the sermon I felt completely unburdened. No longer was I overwhelmed by a job that was never mine to work. I was able to repent and surrender to my loving Father and refocus on walking in obedience whether I see where that journey is taking me or not. I don’t need to know how I’m getting where I’m going because I know Who is going to get me there.