It honestly seemed like a good idea at the time. Life kept hurting me in one way or another until I became desperate for some form of self-preservation. It started with a haze of hopelessness after yet another crushing disappointment. I was certain I had thought everything through covered my bases, and considered every reasonable outcome, and yet and still I was blind-sided by something that seemed so glaringly obvious in hindsight. So, little by little I started giving up. With every decision that presented itself I cared less and less about the outcome. Why bother getting my hopes up before I’m sure of anything? It’ll be whatever it’s going to be and hoping it turns out a certain way won’t change that. Initially, it was sweet bliss.
I know what you’re thinking, “What type of mess?! You can’t be happy and hopeless! That’s ridiculous!” It is ridiculous –in the most wonderful way!
Here’s how it works you don’t expect things to turn out good but you also don’t expect them to turn out bad. You consider both outcomes and brace yourself for the worst one. Now what makes this wonderful is that if things turn out good you have the wonderful opportunity to be pleasantly surprised. If things don’t turn out so good you get the satisfaction of not being thrown for a loop because you based everything on a specific outcome. For example: you want to hang with friends tomorrow night and destress from a long work week. Instead of getting all caught up in thoughts of how fun it’s going to be and all the cool pics you’ll have for social media account, like it’s a sure thing, you consider the fact that it may not happen and find something to binge watch on Netflix and what snacks to indulge in, just in case. So if you call and your friends are available, great! If not you’ll have a whole season of some show to talk about when you all do get together. Disappointment free living I tell ya.
But, alas reality reared its’ horrendous head and washed my pitiful little parade away with a torrential downpour of truth. Drats! My false sense of security blanket was fraying on the edges leaving me exposed after some time. The thing was if I couldn’t hope for anything out of life then, sadly I wasn’t actually living. I was just being tossed about by the waves of life with no promise of land and pretending to be ok with it all.
Hopelessness is a cruel monster. It starts off small and seemingly on your side, but soon it starts to eat away at the things that make you human. The things I once loved to do became meaningless because I couldn’t find a reason to do them. I couldn’t even find the joy in writing anymore because I couldn’t see the point.
What started as warm cozy blanket, shielding me from the cold miserable world that only sought to let me down, readily evolved into a suffocating shrink wrap that kept me from living and began to stifle all my creativity, joy, and sense of purpose.
It wasn’t a wasted experience, <a href="http://Stifle” target=”_blank”>though. I’ve learned why the Bible tells us to “count it all joy” . I understand now that hoping for something puts a fire in my heart to pursue things and be grateful for what I find along the way even if it’s not what I expected. I see now, that in every disappointment, setback, betrayal, failure, and heart break there is hope. There is an expectancy for another day, another breath, another chance for to give and receive something positive.
Keep hope alive!