Rejoicing in silence

Why haven’t I been here? When did I lose my voice? How did I convince myself that my positivity was too fragile to break through the resounding doom? 

Truth is, it could all be so simple, but I always make it hard. I’ve had so many good or at least thoughtful things to share but I rejoice in silence instead. I suffered in silence didn’t I? I kept quiet for the most part so when the rain gave way to sunshine I smiled, but said nothing. Perhaps, subconsciously I thought I’d jinx it. Maybe, it’s just easier for me to be in the moment when the moment is positive and writing through my bad times is a coping mechanism that’s easier to do when necessary. Who knows? (I probably should, but I don’t so let’s move on)

It wouldn’t be such a conundrum if I wasn’t thinking about writing almost always, but I was. I’d think of little quips or thoughtful anecdotes for my social media pages, but as soon as logged on I’d immediately feel like “nevermind”.  It didn’t really feel like a problem, I was just too busy or something, right? Wrong. I was just afraid. I was afraid of other people’s opinions. More specifically their criticism. Spending just two (ok, twenty) minutes or so on the Internet will show you how critical and harsh people can get, so I admittedly cowered and busied myself with not being myself. 

It clearly didn’t work for long but it made me look at how  easily I let go off the positive moments in my life and how readily I accept mere negative ideas that haven’t actually happened and likely don’t. It’s been a difficult lesson, but I realize that the more you focus your energy and time on bracing for the hard part’s of life, the less time you spend embracing the good parts and the preparation doesn’t lessen the pain and sometimes can make it worse, because it’s never exactly as you thought it was. There were even times I was so intent on finding the bad in a situation I actually made things up. How ridiculous is that?

I’d love to tell you that now I’m about to give this patented and guaranteed technique to find the silver lining in every gray cloud, but I’m not. I can’t. Our struggles are unique in the sense that no two people, not even twins, go through the same situation exactly the same way. We can both think the economy is bad, but you may say it burdens the rich, while I say it enslaves the poor. We see eye to eye on the issue just not the damage it causes. 

I can say this; we’ve all been hurt by someone or something at this point in our lives, but how we choose to view our world after that is just that– a choice. You can choose to see the best in the worst situations and see how that works out for you or you can choose to see the dark side of everything and see if being right makes you happy, but either way it is and always will be your choice.

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