I searched. God knows how I searched. I wanted every breath I took to have meaning. I wanted every minute to bring me closer to hearing the words “well done, my good and faithful servant”. I wanted to do something to redeem me from my past failures.
How I thought I was going to achieve that by binge watching Orange is the new black is beyond me. I was getting by. I had a job that actually enjoyed at a video store (yes, they still have those in some parts of Ohio and Illinois), I was doing some theater directing and acting, and enjoying the fleeting youth of my kids. But, something was missing.
My job was great perk-wise (free videos and flexible schedule) but, it didn’t pay enough for me to support myself without assistance. It was exhilarating to be on stage as well as behind the scenes directing, but that was for someone else’s dream and also, didn’t pay. I loved being available for my children, but they were getting older and in need of finances I simply didn’t have.
I prayed over and over that God reveal His purpose for my life. What followed after was not what I expected. I listened and read numerous accounts of people fufilling their dreams and grew bitter inside.
To cope, I did what I normally did when I couldn’t tell my up from down, I wrote. I wrote when things were good. I wrote when things were an utter catastrophe. I wrote when the world seemed to be my oyster. I wrote when I felt crushed by the world’s expectations. It was great to get my world sorted out on paper. It helped me to face whatever I was going through and celebrate my good times. But, writing wasn’t always a release. In the lowest points of my life the last thing I wanted was a written record of my failure and despair, which had been centered around not knowing what to do with myself and all my failed attempts to figure it out through different relationships and careers.
However, it called to me after my long sullen hiatus and I began to dig deep into my soul and make heads and tails of what was going on and heal.
What was amazing was when I shared my pain with others in similar situations and they felt so much better and more hopeful. It always gives purpose to whatever hurt I’ve been through.
I’m embarrassed to admit that I still took awhile to make the connection between my writing and purpose but with time it came together as most things do. I started this blog because I finally realized my pain and my ability to write about it helps others and what is greater than that?