In Between

“There’s some fibrous tissue in your left breast. I’m going to go ahead and order an ultrasound since there is a history of breast cancer in your immediate family.”

This news comes after hearing that my endless devotion to carbs and weight gain had me kissing the border of diabetes. It was too much.

I had just moved to Memphis, TN about 6 months ago so I knew my health was struggling some, but I had no idea it was this bad.

“OK” was all I could manage to respond.

I made my appointment and started looking up information on pre-diabetes. I downloaded a calorie counter/food log, and a pedometer.  I’m not where I should be but I’m not too far gone to change it. I’ll get my life together and do what I know I should have been doing all along, fighting.

So much of my life has been in the transition phase. That, uncomfortable place of not being where I once was but not where I want to be, either. That place where you’re life starts to feel constricting and draining and your soul screams for something you can’t quite put your finger on but are certain it exists. That feeling is the reason I’m here.

My life was comfortable. I had shelter, food, clothes, and a job I actually enjoyed. I was about to start clinicals for phlebotomy. I wasn’t inciting loads of envy or anything, but I was OK. Yet, something nagged at me for the past two years, something I couldn’t ignore – I was empty. I was living, but not for myself. I’d put in hours of my time helping others with their dreams and feel this dull ache at my core because I didn’t even know if I had dreams, let alone was I pursuing them. Slowly but surely, it began to eat away at me until the most ridiculous things began to bother me; then I became bothered by the fact that I was bothered. After a talk with a good friend, ( who simply said it’s time to go), I assessed my life and moved by the skin of my teeth. I packed up three kids and as much of our lives as I could fit in a minivan and moved from Ohio to Memphis, TN.

It never ceases to amaze me what actually happens after I pray for something versus what I thought would happen. What I thought was I’d move to another apartment as decent as my old one, work on a degree in education, while working and saving for a house. What God decided I needed was a less desirable living space, to go a month without my van, a volunteer job, and a busted oven- for starters.

How did my prayer for a better life translate into this? Easy, God’s ways are not my ways and His thoughts are far higher than mine. I thought what I needed was a new place to be, but what I actually needed was a new way of thinking.

I’ll confess perseverance is not my strongest quality. When my going gets tough I’m inclined to get going…in the opposite direction. With the exception of my kids, not much in my life had ever seemed worth fighting for.
I’m OK with working for something, but fighting was a whole other thing.

It’s here where I have realized that is absolutely true that best things are, indeed, worth fighting for. My life has been stuck in proverbial transition because I wouldn’t fight to get out of my cocoon, or break out of my shell.

Well, that part of my life is over. After a week of phone calls, trying to get the results of my ultrasound, I was told there was a “9.2 mm nodule” and I needed a biopsy. I got that done and was grateful to find out it was a small cluster of tiny cyst and not cancer.

I was blessed with this life and I’m going to live it …and document said living it here.

Thanks for reading,

Until next time…😘

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